Evil's Infernal 60-60 Offer

(Design by the Evil Genius.)Evil Monkey:Psst.Jeff:Uhhh! Geez, Evil, you scared the crap out of me.Evil Monkey:Evil is as Evil does.Jeff:What the heck are you doing in that alley? Why's that guy got no shirt? Um, why're you wearing a shirt.Evil Monkey:No more questions. Just keep an eye on him. I've got his wallet.Jeff:What? What the hell?Evil Monkey:Okay, short answer: I was waiting for you, my friend. Waiting to extend an...infernal offer.Jeff:Last time I took you up on an infernal offer, I wound up in a bathtub, drowning in beer.Evil Monkey:Exception that proves the rule.Jeff:Time before that, I wound up mud wrestling with Scott Sigler.Evil Monkey:An anomaly of ridiculous proportions.Jeff:And the time before that, I had to outrun a wild pig.Evil Monkey:That, my friend, was all on you.Jeff:Okay, okay. Just tell me and get it over with.Evil Monkey (winking):Let me help you with the you-know.Jeff:The you know what?Evil Monkey:The 60...in...the 60...Jeff:Hell no. That'd be cheating, Evil.Evil Monkey:You know it's gonna kill you. You know it's gonna be the death of you.Jeff:I'm doing fine.Evil Monkey:You got through Schopenhauer just barely, but the cracks were showin'. In a week, they'll find you in a back alley plastered out of your mind with moonshine and hookers.Jeff:You are confusing your recent memories with my reality.Evil Monkey:You ain't gonna make it through Kierkegaard, my friend. You're not even going to make it through Hobbes.Jeff:Oh, f--- off.Evil Monkey:And what about when you get to Pascal and Smith?Jeff:By then I'll be on painkillers, but I'll muddle through.Evil Monkey:Give me Pizan, Castiglione, Bacon, Veblen, Arendt, Baboon, and Gibbons. You'll feel better.Jeff:Those last two aren't in the series.Evil Monkey:Just give 'em to me, Jeff. It won't cost you much.Jeff:Just my soul.Evil Monkey:You're not really using it. Besides, I'm now incorporated.Jeff:No way. People would know. There would be an infernal smell.Evil Monkey:Just one or two...or you'll crack. You'll crack like a roasting chestnut, like a cheap deck, like a drug addict, like a gerbil forced to study algebra, like a duck forced to recite the alphabet, like a...Jeff: I get it! I get it!Evil Monkey:It'll be our little shameful secret...Jeff:...Evil Monkey:I won't never tell no one about it, I promise, Jedediah...Jeff:...Evil Monkey:Stella! Stella!Jeff:Okay, fine. Take all of Freud. Take all the boring ones.Evil Monkey:You won't regret it, my friend, my shadow, my canary.Jeff:Why can't I quit yew.Evil Monkey:Because I'm too purty...could you kick that guy in the head? Looks like he's waking up.