Partying with Evil Monkey: New Year's Resolutions and Predictions

Jeff:Uhh! Stop doing that, Evil!Evil Monkey:Just checking to see if you're dead yet.Jeff:Well, I'm not. So stop poking me with that stick.Evil Monkey:Take the long view. Soon enough, I'll be poking you with that stick for a very good reason.Jeff:That's somewhat macabre.Evil Monkey:Thought for sure this 60 in 60 thing would kill you. Thought it would happen long before the New Year. Cigar?Jeff (sighing):Sure. Why not.Evil Monkey:Here's a glass of brandy to go with it. I know you'd rather be drinking with Ruskin, but there's no avoidin' drinkin' with me, my friend.Jeff:Whatever happened to you helping me out with the 60 in 60?Evil Monkey:Got distracted. Found a piece of string. Much more interesting.Jeff:...It's pretty dead outside. Pretty dark.Evil Monkey:Everybody is out partying. It's New Year's Eve!Jeff:Made any resolutions?Evil Monkey:I've resolved not to stir things up for awhile. I've resolved to make you shape up or ship out.Jeff:I've resolved to bury you in a casket under fifty feet of dirt.Evil Monkey:I'd just dig my way out.Jeff:I've resolved to blow you up with dynamite.Evil Monkey:I've resolved to become impervious to explosives.Jeff:I've resolved to get inside the mind of a rubber ducky.Evil Monkey:I've resolved to turn rubber duckies into meat!Jeff:I've resolved to learn how to David Blaine broken glass.Evil Monkey:I've resolved to learn how to David Blaine M. Night Shambalayan movies.Jeff:I've resolved to stop spelling that guy's name wrong.Evil Monkey:I've resolved to start calling myself "Lord High Commodore Monkey."Jeff:I've resolved to start calling you "Schmuck Low Ball Dunce Cap Funkybutt."Evil Monkey:I've resolved to start calling you "Ed the Horse."Jeff:I've resolved to just beat you to death with this here stick.Evil Monkey:I've resolved to become impervious to being beat to death with that thar stick.Jeff:...Evil Monkey:...Jeff:Got any predictions?Evil Monkey:I predict you will grow a huge goiter on your neck--and it will write better than you do!Jeff:I predict that you will get sick of throwing your own feces against the wall and start throwing other people's!Evil Monkey:I predict you will accidentally put yourself through a wood chipper!Jeff:I predict you will never be more chipper than you are tonight!Evil Monkey:I predict that sailing ships will develop cancer!Jeff:I predict that whales will develop thumbs and take over Manhattan!Evil Monkey:I predict that Manhattan will cast thee out like theeeeeee infidel you are!Jeff:I predict that Manhattan will lay off more editors--and replace them with naked mole rats!Evil Monkey:I predict that paper will become money!Jeff:I predict that you will become money!Evil Monkey:Awww. Why can't I quit yew?Jeff:I predict that I am pretty!Evil Monkey:Happy New Year everyone!