Evil Monkey Encounters The Weird

(Weirdest thing of all? Both Jeff and Evil Monkey have agreed to learn to cook using this arcane and insane book as a reward to Ann for all of the many, many hours of reading she is doing for the big book of weird project, on top of Weird Tales and everything else...)Evil Monkey:"This concerns someone called Beaver Toadstone."Jeff:"Doc Blaine ejaculated incoherently. I wheeled."Evil Monkey:"Here I was ready to accept his offer of a good job as his secretary, and I had to go and pull a drunken boner!"Jeff:"Her only nourishment came from the meatballs that charitable souls chose to toss into her mouth."Evil Monkey:"An incredible jumble of small, discolored lumps appeared in the glass, followed by a mass of blurry blobs and points."Jeff:"Interesting, you seem to have given him siphilus."Evil Monkey:"I'm not prepared to argue with a hallucination!"Jeff:"Dogs are dirty, birds are filthy, fish are clean except for the intestines, which are dirty."Evil Monkey:"You made me believe that the sea looked like the vast sheet of water spread across your scrolls, so blue that if a stone were to fall into it, it would become a sapphire."Jeff:"There are so many things that are impossible to explain!"Evil Monkey:"There are breaches between the worlds...Rifts, fractures, ruptures. If they can't be closed, they have to be guarded against the things on the other side that don't belong here."Jeff:"One would think you would want to shield the beast."Evil Monkey:"It would be a long, long time before it would bestir itself to enter into another being's awareness."Jeff:"...remembering what I have seen, I am not sure that even death will end my bondage."Evil Monkey:"Not a demon-child, but for years he rode wild thunderous razor-hooved black stallions by night and by day."Jeff:"Any cheap excursions, sir?"Evil Monkey:"The house in itself was, even before anything had happened there, as lovely a thing as she had ever seen."Jeff:"To look at...it's just an ordinary little paw, dried to a mummy."Evil Monkey:Oi! Are you winding me up, mate? And how long do we have to play this game of quoting lines from stories?Jeff:"...groping wildly on the floor in search of the paw."Evil Monkey:That's it! I quit!Jeff:"The thing held out its clawed hand and, after a time, [he] took it in his own."Evil Monkey:Now you're just havin' a larf.Jeff:"Ygaiih...ygaiih....thflthkh'ngha...Yog-Sothoth...Y'bthnk...h'ehye--n'grkdl'lh!"Evil Monkey:Stop! You had me at ygaiih!Jeff:Think the first person to match all the quotes with the authors and stories correctly should get a free copy of the big book of the weird when it comes out?"*Evil Monkey:Only if they're also allowed to hit you over the head with it.*Quotes are not from stories necessarily slated to be in the book.