Tragic Demise Winners

Okay, so my demise, fittingly, will probably be Arrogant Bastard...Matt Staggs of Enter the Octopus has chosen the winners of the Tragic Demise contest--first place Doctorow advance copy, second through fifth, Spectra Pulse magazine (send your snail mail to vanderworld at hotmail.com)--and they are, in Matt's words...In first place:Divers Hands, for death by Gerald Ford.The nefarious "Gerald Ford-Ra the Everliving" is only too likely a source of tragic death for us all. "Death by Gerald Ford" reminded me of the scene in "Bubba Ho-Tep" when Elvis and JFK see the mummy walking down the hall of their nursing home and JFK says, "Was it Lyndon Johnson?" Elvis replies, "Jack, Lyndon Johnson is dead!" to which JFK replies, "You don't think that's going to stop him!"Second place:Lane, for death by gnosisSome people learn about God and are born again. Lane, it appears, may take the opposite route.Third place:Samuel Tinianow, for death by bearI have this image now of a man stalked by bears, always looking over his shoulder in terrible awareness of his ursine doom. Thinking himself safe, Samuel takes a trip out of town only to see the bear following behind him in a taxi. He goes for a visit to his dentist and there's the bear reading the New York Times in the waiting room. Sometimes the bear calls him late at night and plays banjo music into the receiver, muttering something about "Goldilocks" before hanging up the phone.Fourth place:Wm., for death by plastic strawI wish I could tell you that I don't do this, too. Yep, I'll probably get a twisty fun straw to the trachea one of these days.Fifth place:Felix Gilman, for death by classical tradition."Hubris, fate and the will of the gods." I think I see a biography title here.Honorable mention:Susie, for death by karaoke.I liked this for selfish reasons...specifically because I wish most karaoke singers would spontaneously combust! No offense to Susie!